Why I Cut My Hair
Why I Cut My Hair: @BlackGirlLovingHerself
Hair has always been my biggest insecurity; from being in a predominately white elementary school desiring straight blonde hair to now wishing that my 4c hair had the “perfect” natural hair texture and curl. With wigs and weaves in between, multiple big chops and looks of disgust in my mirror. Hair has been my biggest insecurity.
My first big chop was in 2012 right after I moved to Los Angeles and I hated it with every bone in my body. I take that back. I liked it for like 2 days and then insecurity came back. I would look in the mirror wondering why my curls weren’t like my mothers’ or my cousins’. My texture closely resembled a brillo pad and I wasn’t with that at all. I described my new natural life as, “not all rainbows and afros.”
You can view my sentiments here from a video I made in 2014 called “Natural Hair Insecurities”. http://youtu.
At the end of 2012 I got a perm and was back to that life (which is cool if that’s the life for you), but I wasn’t feeling how thin my hair got and these LA prices for a perm were out the freakin roof. And I also really desired to be natural. So after wearing clip ins for a while I decided to start wearing a wig. I figured leaving it alone for a while would be good. Then I had a friend chop off the remaining perm on my head and went back to stuffing it under a wig.
I dealt with hating my hair by hiding it under a wig for two years. And wearing a wig for two years did more damage to MY hair and MY situation. Plagued with worry, stress and depression in my personal life, I even acquired a small case of alopecia.
Everyday my worry has been hair. Worries of styling, the health of my hair and the acceptability of my 4c hair. I worried if I would still be considered sexy if I rocked my natural hair, hearing the voice of an ex telling me I looked better with weave or long hair.
But people, I don’t want to dislike my hair. I don’t want my everyday worry to be my hair. I don’t want to believe that I look better with weave. I don’t want to be insecure because of my hair and hair texture.
Which is why I cut my hair off again.
I saw this as a necessary step for me on my self-love journey. I felt this as a way to help me to feel more empowered, to feel more comfortable being me. Falling in love with myself has brought me to this point.
My desire for Brittany is to be confident and not insecure in any aspect of her life. I want Brittany to look in the mirror and smile genuinely. I know she’ll smile with long locks, but I want to make sure she’ll smile just as genuinely if the reflection in the mirror is bald.
So this time will be my last big chop unless I love the short life so much I decided to stay this length. I am promising myself that I will take the time to learn to take care of and love my 4c hair.
I’m excited for this journey, for this step in my self-love process.
*Bell Hooks Moment*
In her book, ‘Sisters of the Yam’, Hooks talks about the obsession that we as black women have with our hair. She asks, “How is it that little black girls learn (even before we know anything about racism) that our hair is a problem?” With my own struggles of accepting my natural hair I always thought about how difficult it is for black women to accept our natural hair. I thought about my little cousins who have beautiful curly hair who desire to have it straightened to mimic the white girls in their class. It sucks that we have been conditioned to hate our hair from an early age.
The advice Hooks gives is that we have to unlearn the negative thinking associated with our hair. We have to talk to ourselves differently about our hair. One of the ways we can do that is by enjoying the sensual pleasures of various black hair textures. Interesting right? I’m not going to tell you all that she said because I want you to read this book. Her advice really is very helpful.